I’m Moving!

I’m moving! Seriously, I’m moving across the country. I want to share my story not just because I’m excited, but because I want to connect with more people across the country. I wanted to give details about my exploration but wanted to do so in an easy, quick way. I also wanted to cover as many aspects of the trip as possible, so I naturally turned to journalism. The 5 W’s and H are my compass: Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How.

WHO

Me! And only me. I’ve gone through a lot and I would be lying if I said that part of my journey wasn’t to spend some time alone and ruminate on things. I’m being very intentional about this being a solo road trip, and I can’t wait to spend a few weeks just…being.

WHAT

A road trip! I want to travel on the road because its the greatest way to see the beauty all around us. One of my favorite parts of my last road trip to Colorado was how awestruck I was by Kansas. Most people associate Kansas (and much of the “flyover” states) with being boring fields and nothing to see. They were some of the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets I’ve ever seen. The soft, rolling hills and beautiful ambers, golds, and beiges were a perfect, warm way to enjoy the drive.

WHEN

By the end of the year. My current goal is to leave my job by October 22nd and be on the road the next day. I’m getting a lot of work done on my car as we sit here, so I’m being flexible on when I leave for financial reasons. That is my target, but 100% by the end of the year. Side note: my job knows I’m leaving and is being super flexible with me, which is great and a privilege.

WHERE

West! I say that generally because I genuinely don’t know where I want to live. I have IDEAS, I’ve never visited, let alone lived in most of these places. I know I like a ton of things about the state of Washington, but maybe I get there and hate it. That’s another reason I’m doing a road trip. I want to be able to stay in or leave any place at any time. If I arrive in a city and can instantly tell the vibe is off, I’m out. I have great intuition and know when something isn’t for me.

I worked with someone about four years ago at a running store named Todd. Todd was one of the most eccentric, interesting people I’ve ever met. Part of that was a story that he told me about his experiences. He was from Indiana but traveled with some friends to Colorado. They were headed to Steamboat Springs. Todd described riding into the valley Steamboat sits in and getting that feeling. The feeling of home. Goosebumps on the arms and legs, almost nauseous gut. That’s what I’m after.

WHY

I’m ready to start the next chapter of my life. For years, I’ve viewed my life in three parts: my learning stage, my execution stage, and my prime. It’s not to say that I’ll stop learning, but I’ve learned a lot of necessary skills to help me execute on ideas and plans that I have. I’m single, have no kids, and almost no debt. I’m grateful for every opportunity those privileges allow for me, and I intend to use my flexibility to my advantage. There’s a lot of people who would look at someone like me and think me a failure. No college degree, not married, no house. I look at myself and see someone who is full of life experience, thirsty for more, and just entering my prime.

HOW

So, how can you follow along? I want to do a pseudo travel blog for my journey, so follow along here for sure. Additionally, I want to do videos and post pictures on my Instagram and Twitter, so follow me @sunkencircle for those as well.

Lastly, I want to thank anyone who has been in my life up to this point. Every good and bad interaction, friendship, relationship, heartbreak, bits of support, and criticism has lead me here. My family and friends have been nothing but supportive of my decision to move, and I couldn’t ask for a greater support system.

Does anyone have some stories about places in the west that they’ve really enjoyed? Really couldn’t stand? Let me know!

~

Photo by Lawton Cook on Unsplash

I’m Thinking About Horses

Warning: This post talks about suicidal thoughts and death.

“I’m thinking about death
What if this plane goes down?
That would be okay, you know, I had a good run
I wonder if a lot of people would come to my funeral
Maybe my fans would do something special
Maybe they’d cry and maybe it’d be in the newspaper
Yeah, I think I’d get in the Detroit News
Probably not the New York Times
People’ll probably like my music more when I die
‘Cause they’ll know no more is coming
You see, people love stories with endings
Right now, I’m just sort of a story that’s dragging on slowly
Page by page, year by year
But people want an ending, they want a crash
They want a ear in the fucking mail
But I don’t have one
All I have is another lousy poem
And the knowledge that I’ll probably die somewhere confused and decrepit in a nursing home
I don’t think this plane’s gonna crash”
-Mike Posner

~

This section of lyrics is from a song called “I’m Thinking About Horses”. It’s less a song and more a spoken word poem, but anyway. The whole piece has been a catalyst in me thinking more closely about how I live my life. If you haven’t heard the whole thing, you should listen to it. It’s brilliant.

It’s helped me be more conscious about what I’m thinking about in the moment. And I’m starting to realize that I think about death a lot. Not in an overt way, or a way in which is harmful, but more as a curiosity.

As a kid, I was probably unhealthily scared of death. For no reason really, it just was what I did at night, trying to fall asleep. If any therapists want to dissect that for me, I’m all ears.

Anyway, in my early 20s, when everything spiraled in my life, I stopped giving a fuck. There was only one night where I ever really thought about suicide, my 21st birthday, but otherwise, it was just a dull, numb feeling. A feeling of not caring if it all ended.

And since then, my relationship with death has changed drastically. I’ve gotten better mentally, but I do still think about death a lot. No longer in an anticipatory way, or in a way that I am apathetic to. Now, I think about death as intriguing.

An example: Yesterday I was driving on the expressway and passed a car on the side of the road. It was wrecked and the engine had clearly caught fire and flamed the car out. The contents of the trunk were on the side of the road, so I assumed the people in the car had successfully gotten out okay.

But my mind jumped to the alternative. What if I had been in that car? What if the seatbelt had gotten smashed and I couldn’t get out? Then my mind went to self-immolation. Self-immolation is the act of setting oneself on fire. It’s been used throughout history as an act of protest.

It’s astonishing to me that someone could be on fire, dying, and be completely calm and generally immobile. That level of acceptance is intriguing to me. It’s also something that I would imagine would occur when one would be in the fictional car scenario from before. My mind is a curiosity all its own.

There are many other small moments through the course of the day that will open my mind up to death. Again, always from a sense of wonder more than anything else. And I wonder if I’m the only one.

Do we all have these thoughts, and we only don’t talk about them because it’s not a cultural norm? Or is my mind wired differently, always searching for more understanding or opportunities to learn about anything, including the end?

Either way, I’m comfortable with my thoughts. They aren’t dangerous or even negative. I’m a constant learner, even about the worst aspects of the world around us.

~