Voices over voices
Withdrawn in silence
Am I disappearing, fading out?
Or am I evolving?
A new threat emerging
Resolutions, intentions or whatever you choose to call it, the new year inevitably brings about change. Each year is a blank canvas on January 1, of which we have total control over what type of pen, pencil or brush we use. We can make it black and white, with shading or without, or with an explosion of colors. We are the artist, and every day we add to our creation.
Resolutions have started to develop a negative connotation. They are viewed as much more of a pass/fail system. Intentions are a little less intense, viewed more as a behavior to work on instead of a goal that is either met or not achieved.
I know my new year will not be filled with resolutions, and if you want to look at them as intentions, go crazy. I prefer to think about 2019 as my year of growth. I’ve spent the past six years in a whirlwind of indecision, learning decisions, and trying to find my right path. 2019 is the year I start applying my gained knowledge. It is time to start increasing my gains. #gainz
I have four things that I will be gaining this upcoming year. No matter what happens this year, I will be accepting these things into my life. How do I know? Because for six years, someone else has been painting my picture. I’ve pushed Bob Ross out of the way and I’ve got the brush now.
A Clear Inner Voice
With 2018 firmly in the rearview, I can safely say that the thing that I’ve started doing most is listening to myself. It’s easy to get lost in the everyday bullshit of what to wear, who’s talking about who, and which show Netflix is releasing this month. It’s hard to hear through all that noise. But listening to yourself in the quiet moments, when it’s just you and your thoughts, that’s your inner voice.
Listening to what your core being is crying out for is game-changing. I feel like I’ve spent 28 years totally unaware that there was another person inside of me. That when I started to hear him, he grew hope that there was a way out. That he grew stronger as I fed him and took more care of him. And now, he’s strong. He’s ready for the real world, using the pain and lessons learned from my first spiritual vessel to be the best version of himself now.
How can you take care of yourself if you don’t know your true self? Taking care of two vessels has been exhausting. Feeding one person is a lot cheaper (in time currency) than feeding two, and now I’ll have a lot of free time.
That means more time for meditation, new opportunities to learn about everything I have questions about such as chakras, crystals, digging in deep on astrology, tarot and new ways to take care of myself. I’ve been lighting candles at night and received a weighted blanket over the holidays. It’s already making noticeable changes.
I want to experiment with things like oils and other natural remedies. I don’t have any drastic medical issues, but I want to take better care of my physical and spiritual self because I deserve it. We all deserve better self-care.
My Decision Making
My entire life, I’ve been a second slow. I’ve usually been picked on because I don’t have a sharp comeback at the ready at any given point. Over the last ten years, I’ve certainly gotten more quick-witted, but I now view that as a weakness. “A lion doesn’t concern himself with the opinions of sheep.”
In my pursuit to end the back and forth with people, I’ve started to drift the other direction, sometimes being too harsh. That is weakness. That is my insecurity throwing up a shield to stop the barrage. But it’s not just in social interactions that I have a more visceral response.
I have a massive sweet tooth. It gets me in trouble when I’ve tried various forms of eating better. Inevitably, someone will offer me a sweet, or I’ll wander down the candy aisle in the grocery, and before I’m even paying attention to what I’m actually deciding, I’m in my car eating a Twizzler.
Letting your subconscious make decisions for you is a losing game in every aspect of your life. Listening to your true self and making decisions with the best information you have is the key.
Control Over My Destiny
As stated above, someone else has been painting my picture each year for a while now. Grabbing that brush this year has been unnerving at times, even a little scary. But it’s also empowering. Just like with any new venture, there will be times of self-doubt, of hardship. But there will also be moments of pure joy, strength, and accomplishment.
In 28 years, I’ve never felt this at peace with my decisions. I’m on my right path and it’s because I started listening to myself. I can’t stress enough how game-changing that was. I’ve had a lot of mentors along the way. Women like Robin Arzon, Jameela Jamil, Tala Ashe, Candice Burt, Mirna Valerio, Lena Waithe, and many more. Men like Rich Roll, Jedidiah Jenkins, David Goggins, Wim Hof, Preston Smiles, Gary Vaynerchuk, and many others as well. If you don’t recognize some of the names, look them up. You won’t regret it.
~ ~ ~
Regardless of the changes you want to invite into your life this year, I wish you luck. More important than anything for our long-term survival is our need to find a sense of community and looking out for each other. We have to have the back of our fellow human before we can make a lasting change toward a better future. So happy holidays, and remember that we all have the keys to our own destiny. Let’s fucking go.