unable to breathe
lack of air, no
crawling down my body
a predetermined path
the walls close in
some might describe it
as a defense mechanism
and maybe it is
but it’s the only way I know
to protect the soul
so I deaden my nerves
pretending everything is fine
for if I open myself up again
exposing all that you
and few others know
the ache will come back,
no novocaine in sight
So a quick update, I’m leaving Boise. At least temporarily.
As previously noted, the job search has been more of a dead-end here than I thought. And while I’ve tried to be patient, it’s wearing thin. Meanwhile, I’ve got a phone interview with a company in Arizona on Tuesday and traction on some other applications that I’ve put into cities other than Boise.
I’ll continue to put in applications in various cities, but the waiting around without anything to do has worn me down. So what am I going to do instead?
First, I’m going to Lake Tahoe again. I loved it there, and if there’s a potential that I’ll be thousands of miles away again, I’d like to see it again. After that, I’ll probably go to Yosemite because I didn’t make it there on my trip before, and then maybe to the coast again. Not totally sure. But I’ll round out going to the Hoover Dam since I passed that up last time too. And I’ll end by rolling through Sedona again, and most likely finish in Tucson. That’s where my interview is anyway.
If I’m going to end up back home anyway, I might as well see and do some stuff and be warm. Till then…
Following my trip from October-November, I took the holidays off and made a decision about my future. I determined that Boise, Idaho would be the best place to start the next phase of my life. So I packed up the things that I would need and moved to Boise. I’m currently living in my car, getting a bit of writing done, and job searching. And while Boise may still be a place that suits me, I’m beginning to have a more introspective look at what I want from my life.
Now, I will acknowledge that I’ve only recently realized that I forced this to happen now. Instead of listening to my instincts (and family members) and trusting where they would take me, I pushed to make this work now, as opposed to playing it out and coming when I had a job lined up, or at least when it was warmer outside.
I will also acknowledge that this is largely brought to the forefront of my thought pattern because I, by my standard, have been struggling to find a job. I’ve always worked in the service industry, so I approached this opportunity as a chance to start a new career path. So I very exclusively applied to jobs that I thought would be fun, challenging, or some combination of both. That was before this last week.
I never got any responses to those applications, so I figured, no big deal. I applied to a bunch of service industry jobs. For those that don’t know my full background, I have 13 years in the service industry, most of that in a leadership capacity. I’ve been in charge of an entire restaurant and done every sort of inventory management, data analysis and spreadsheet breakdown one would need to do qualify for almost any in-store position imaginable.
I lashed out a bit a few days ago and basically mass applied to everything. I was barely looking at titles or companies. I was freaking out. If I don’t find a job, that means I have to go back. And as much as I love my family and friends, that was never supposed to be on the table.
All of that being said, after my panicked application spree, yesterday and this morning have been a deep dive into what I actually want. And while some (myself included) would have assumed these would have been answers I got on my road trip, I think the reason I didn’t is that I was distracted.
On my trip, I was always thinking of where I was headed next, what I was doing, and whether the place I was at would be someplace I’d want to live. And while my ideal situation for me would be to write and travel wherever I felt like being, I understand that that isn’t feasible in the short term. Maybe eventually I can finish some things I’ve been writing and be able to accomplish that. But for now, I need to make money.
And as much as I’d like to think that this place is where I should be right now, I think I’m more drawn to the idea of being unsettled. This isn’t great in terms of keeping a job but it is good for trying to branch out and try something new. There are careers to be had online and working from home, which is something that I’ll be looking into once I find a job to hold me over.
This is my long way around saying that I’m not married to the idea that I need to be in Boise. Obviously, I would prefer it, but I’m tired of waiting. And I’m tired of settling on something that I’ll do for 40 hours a week. I want to do a job worth doing, and while some service industry jobs may be that, I need to find it one way or another.
Additionally, the weather may be playing a factor in this. The cold isn’t terrible, but it’s definitely slowing my processes down in the mornings. It’s bad enough that we get shorter days during the winter, and Boise is definitely sunnier than Louisville, but the weather is just hard to deal with right now. This would be true whether I had a place to stay in or not. Seasonal Affective Disorder hits me every year, so that feeling is at least not new.
So my update, for now, is: I’m going to resume applying to jobs I believe I would enjoy, now regardless of where they’re located. And once I find someplace to settle for a bit, I’m going to work tirelessly to learn something I can take with me anywhere I go. I want more flexibility and in order to get it, I’m going to have to be more rigid. For now.